


The Incident Reports

by Stewbacca94



Series: RWBY Reddit Ramblings [16]
Category: RWBY
Genre: Blackmail, Comedy, Hacking, Multi, Slapstick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 06:36:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18751006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stewbacca94/pseuds/Stewbacca94
Summary: Salem's minions manage to gain access to Beacon's networks, but have no idea what awaits them within the mainframe ...





	The Incident Reports

### The Incident Reports

The computer terminal looked quite out of place within the warehouse that Cinder and her cohorts were housed in. Every inch of cabling was neat and organised, the computer tower was water-cooled and sleek, and the forty-inch monitor and ergonomic keyboard and mouse were nothing short of top-of-the-line. It was worth half the annual salary of the average Vale citizen – but of course, this was acquired under the table for free by the system's user. His fingers struck the keys with precision as patch notes were slowly replaced with intricate text programming, while his verdant eyes were glued to the monitor to look for and correct any coding bugs that he'd missed in earlier drafts. As his old tutor at Atlas University's programming course used to say, coding was 20 percent writing, 20 percent testing, and 60 percent looking for missing colons and line breaks.

By this point, the logical and computational equations and operations had been perfected and compiled in one file, while the separate driver program worked flawlessly. It was the simple matter of calling the equations and operations in the correct spots along the sequencing file that Dr. Arthur Watts was seeing to with precision and efficiency.

After finalising the code and testing it on a mock-up mainframe, the scientist loaded in the software and unleashed it on the target network. It took eighty agonising seconds, but the results were affirmative. Watts had gained access to the Beacon Academy network, for the use of the five people behind him.

“I must admit, Watts,” Cinder remarked with evident awe in her tone, “you're worth your weight in Dust when it comes to technology.”

Watts beamed with pride. “My thanks, Cinder. Planting the access virus within the CCT was no mean feat either; Salem would be proud.”

Cinder smirked with arrogance, then turned to her four lieutenants. “Come on over, people. We've gained access to Beacon Academy's computer network.”

Roman Torchwick whistled. “Nice one. What part of the network did we tunnel into?”

“The internal IRC,” Watts replied. “Took some doing, but it's virtually the only piece of the network that _hasn't_ been updated in the last year or so. Anything else would've been fruitless.”

“So what's the state of play at the moment?”, Emerald Sustrai asked.

“We're deactivating the firewalls on Ozpin's personal computer as we speak,” Cinder explained as Watts set to do just that with the forty-inch screen. “Once that's done, we should be able to gain the information we need to succeed in our respective missions.”

Watts nodded, then snarled something unprintable as error warnings sprung up across the screen.

“What's the issue?”, Neo signed.

“Ozpin has a _contingency_ within his mainframe,” Watts groused. “The bastard's got every single file protected by a fractal encryption program – meaning that even _my_ skill won't be enough to penetrate.”

“So in layman's terms, his computer's tighter than a fish's arsehole,” Mercury remarked.

Watts bristled at the uncouth euphemism, but nodded in agreement all the same. However, Roman noticed something at the corner of the screen.

“Look over there,” he said while pointing. “There's an unguarded folder.”

“ _Beacon Academy Incident Reports_ , it says,” Watts muttered as he gained access to the folder. There were _hundreds_ of uneditable images there, and the sextet of crooks shared astounded glances. _Was Beacon Academy_ _ **really**_ _that disorderly?_ , their eyes seemed to say. Even the four Haven spies had no clue just how chaotic things seemed to get within Beacon's walls.

“Well,” Cinder started, “better than nothing, I guess.”

Suddenly, Hazel's face and ringtone emerged from Watts' scroll, so the Atlesian left to answer the call. Cinder promptly pinched the chair and clicked on the first image. An A4 sized sheet filled the screen, with block lettering filling in the gaps of the incident report in question.

* * *

**Incident Date: 02/02/2013**

**Perpetrator: Valkyrie, L.J.**

**Victim: None.**

**Incident Details: Miss Valkyrie was caught unicycling unclothed down the hallway outside her dormitory by Professor Goodwitch.**

**Punishment: Two days of academic suspension.**

**Comments: This is the last time you've blamed your foibles on sleepwalking, Miss Valkyrie! _Enough is enough! –_ Professor Goodwitch.**

Roman and Neo exchanged mutual expressions of disgust, while Mercury merely cocked his right eyebrow and both Emerald and Cinder remained unmoved. The half-Maiden navigated to the next image in the series.

**Incident Date: 04/02/2013**

**Perpetrator: Goodwitch, G.A.**

**Victim: See below.**

**Incident Details: Professor Goodwitch tried to unicycle nude down a flight of stairs, resulting in a sprained ankle and a bruised [[REDACTED]]. Upon medical examination, she was found to have alcohol and Rohypnol in her system at the time.**

**Punishment: Unnecessary.**

**Comments: A bruised womanhood is it's own punishment, Glynda – Doctor Peach.**

**P.S. Especially when Miss Valkyrie was diagnosed with hereditary sleepwalking by my medical staff at the start of the year – Doctor Peach.**

This caused the others to start laughing in pained amusement, and even Cinder was struggling to hold her chuckles in as she clicked ahead.

**Incident Date: 05/02/2013**

**Perpetrator: Wukong, S.V. and Xiao Long, Y.**

**Victim: Scarlatina, V.D.**

**Incident Details: Mr Wukong and Miss Xiao Long had a Semblance-assisted arm-wrestling match over lunch. It resulted in four clones of the former spontaneously combusting, breaking the cafeteria's windows and singing Miss Scarlatina's rabbit ears.**

**Punishment: Mr Wukong will aid the reparation efforts with his Semblance, while Miss Xiao Long is to report to the combat classroom for a private lesson in fighting multiple opponents at seven tonight. Team CFVY will be conducting the lesson.**

**Comments: Poetic justice is the best recourse for such shenanigans _–_ Professor Port.**

More laughter followed, and this time Cinder joined in heartily before moving forward.

* * *

**Incident Date: 07/02/2013**

**Perpetrator: Schnee, W.B.**

**Victim: Rose, R.S.**

**Incident Details: Miss Schnee had bound and gagged Miss Rose in their team's bedroom with a ball gag, leather straps and [[REDACTED]] while holding a whip. When questioned, all Miss Schnee had to say was that Miss Rose was undergoing withdrawal for cookie addiction. Upon being released, Miss Rose vehemently denied this, but was reticent to admit what actually happened. Under threat of cookies being banned from the school, Miss Rose confessed that she and Miss Schnee were trying to re-enact the [[REDACTED]] position from the Ninjas of Love book.**

**Punishment: A week of detention for Miss Schnee and mandatory psychiatric assessment for her and Miss Rose.**

**Comments: I will rinse this memory with liberal use of tequila. _Or die trying –_ Professor Goodwitch.**

There was ashen-faced silence at this piece of information. Still, Cinder grinned deviously upon realising the potential use of blackmailing the SDC heiress to do her bidding.

“That was probably a fluke, right?”, Emerald gingerly started.

“I should hope so,” Roman agreed. “Teenagers having sex isn't something I want to see often.”

“Only one way to find out,” Cinder concurred, and clicked onwards.

**Incident Date: 11/02/2013**

**Perpetrator: Winchester, C.N.T.**

**Victims: Arc, J.B. and Port, P.X.**

**Incident Details: Mister Arc was trapped by Mister Winchester within his launchable locker and sent flying to a random location on campus. The location in question was the shower Professor Port was using when the locker pulverised the wall.**

**Professor Port is recovering from the water burns, while Mister Arc is in counselling at the time of writing. Mister Winchester volunteered to fix the damaged bathroom with his Semblance of kinetic amplification, after professing no intent to cause damage or harm to Professor Port.**

**Punishment: Mister Winchester is to serve two days of academic suspension.**

**Comments: At least Cardin saved me from using my Semblance to fix Peter's dirty bathroom _again –_ Professor Goodwitch.**

**P.S. And I've since found a few pennies and an old prophylactic that went in the shower drain. Good thing Cardin found them instead of Glynda – Professor Port.**

“Eww!”, Mercury and Emerald groaned in unison, while Neo looked equally revulsed.

“What the hell?”, Roman said in disgust. “That's revolting. Who'd _put_ that on a school's record?”

“Ozpin, apparently,” Cinder smiled amiably. _We could use the lockers to our advantage by hijacking the system they use and damage the buildings as they fire_ , she reasoned while clicking ahead.

**Incident Date: 12/02/2013**

**Perpetrator: Port, P.X.**

**Victim: Oobleck, B.A.**

**Incident Details: During the lunch break, Doctor Oobleck asked Professor Port to watch his coffee while he went for a toilet break. Upon his return, Doctor Oobleck drank a coffee that Professor Port had laced with Viagra and so-called “Ghost Chilies”.**

**The staff toilet was blocked for the rest of the day as Oobleck rode out the proverbial storm.**

**Punishment: Port is to clean up the mess.**

**Comments: And he'd** _**better** _ **watch his drinks from here on out, lest I gain revenge** _**–** _ **Doctor** **Oobleck.**

Over half an hour later, Cinder and her cronies had seen enough. Even Watts, who prided himself on his self-control, was visibly repulsed by what he'd seen upon his return. Semblance-enhanced sex, snorting Dust crystals on a dare, hiding a pair of handcuffs within Goodwitch's bag … there was seemingly no end to the depravity of it all.

“Shall we attempt to hack away at Ozpin's computer?”, Watts enquired.

“No; that'll be all for today, Watts,” Cinder stated. “Make copies of the incident reports, and have them ready to be examined tomorrow morning.”

Watts nodded curtly, and set to that task promptly while Cinder turned to face her somewhat shocked allies.

“As for the rest of us,” Cinder affirmed, “we have enough blackmail on the students and staff to utterly destroy Ozpin and his cronies. I suggest we get some rest, and we'll draw up a plan of extortion, betrayal and treachery tomorrow.”

The others nodded, and all five of them departed for their rooms.

* * *

Meanwhile, Professor Ozpin sat smugly at his computer in his darkly-lit office atop Beacon Tower. The faked incident reports he'd discovered on a lark were _perfect_ bait for the conspiracy whose handiwork he'd noticed within the CCT's main code. He'd purposefully _neglected_ to update the network's security that morning, and watched Cinder and her cronies access the files while he tracked their IP address after bypassing their VPN. As a small army of huntsmen within the employ of Vale's special response police force raced to the warehouse in Vale's west on his tip-off, the headmaster sat back in smug victory over Salem's little pawns as he updated the IRC's firewalls.

Suddenly, Glynda Goodwitch entered the office in panic.

“Oz, what happened to my incident reports?”

Ozpin's left eyebrow sprang up. “What incident reports?”

“The incident reports that I designed for this year to improve disciplinary measures for the students. Ever since Nora unicycled nude in the hallway after initiation, myself and the rest of the staff printed dozens of copies each, documented the incidents and scanned them into the administrator's section of the school intranet. The digitised copies have gone missing!”

Ozpin's face almost glowed in the dark, so pallid did it get.

* * *

**A/N: There we go. For those curious, I sometimes write in the idea that Nora's name is short for Leonora - hence the L in front of her surname in the first incident report.**


End file.
